


the feelings welling up inside

by chizuery (chizue_witchery)



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Paranoia, Quarantine, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27249070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chizue_witchery/pseuds/chizuery
Summary: Alena mentally counted, evening her breath while she looks at her father in front of her, who holds his phone, ready to film for her school project. She looked at her trembling hands, silently squirming at the gaze her father’s eyes locked onto her.
Kudos: 1





	the feelings welling up inside

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading this. There are some warnings that you must be aware.

_One_

_two  
_

_three_

Alena mentally counted, evening her breath while she looks at her father in front of her, who holds his phone, ready to film for her school project.

She looked at her trembling hands, silently squirming at the gaze her father’s eyes locked onto her. She doesn’t know why but she suddenly had the fear of being on cam and people in general. Maybe she’s been too long to be physically in contact with people during Quarantine.

She knows that she hadn’t been taking care of her mental and physical health. She’s barely eating, always slept when the sun is close to rising, failing online school.

She knows as hell that she needs help, but she can’t bring herself to ask for help. Her first time going to a physiologist wasn’t the best experience she had.

She felt herself being forced to tell them what she really feels. It scared her at the thought of slipping away from the mask she had been using since the start of high school. She already in her 3rd year of high school, and it has not been going any better. 

Yes, she made friends but she felt like she was forcing herself to get along with her friends. She loves them even though there are times that they weird her out, but it’s what makes them special.

She remembers the messages she gets from them whenever her suicidal thoughts appear. The guilt welling up inside her hurts, but she knew that she needed to endure it to keep her happy facade.

Her mind wanders to suicidal thoughts and dreams. It’s painful for her because she wants to cloud her mind off of something else.

She’s afraid to resorting to harming herself physically, that’s why she’s been harming herself in other ways. Straying herself. Sleeping late, not even passing out throughout the entire day. Physically not taking care of herself. Isolating herself from everyone. Hiding the feelings she’s been wanting to let out for so long, but she doesn’t want to do it. She’s afraid—afraid of having to be forced to tell how she really feels.

Her father looks at her, worry filling those eyes of his. She hears him ask _why_ she doesn’t want to be seen on cam.

‘ _He doesn’t understand you,_ ’ said the voice inside her head. That thought-process of hers that gives in so easily. She’s mentally weak, yet she can hide her feelings so well.

‘ _Your friends don’t understand you. Your own family doesn’t understand you. Do you even understand yourself?_ ’ Alena felt something—someone wrapped their arms around her. She knows it’s not her father since he’s still looking at her, the distance between them clearly shows that it’s not him.

She froze still. Her breathing uneven again, the slick hands of that demon inside of her carefully hugs her in some sort of taunting way.

” _I’m the only one who can help you. Trust me,”_ such a simple statement, but it weighs so much on her fragile mind. She agrees. The demon smiled. It’s too genuine. Too wide. That big smile of that demon brings a shiver down Alena’s spine. ” _Just follow what I say, alright?_ ” 

Alena silently agreed, suddenly feeling numb. She ignores the headache that she was feeling. Her head feels like it’s being pounded to something _hard_ and _painful,_ and she does not like that feeling. She endures the pain, her facial expression not changing while she have a conversation with her father, fighting every urge to just run away.

She says the words the demon whispers to her, following the demon like a doll. Her dull, bland tone showing off. A human puppet that is being controlled by the demon inside of her, eating her mind until she has no choice left but to trust the demon.

Alena’s not sure how long has she been talking to her father- telling him that she doesn’t want to do any of this. She doesn’t want to film for a school project. Her father asks, “Why?” but she can’t bring it in herself to tell him why she doesn’t want to do it.

Her paranoia and fear is taking over her to the point that she can’t even stand still. She drops down the floor, hugging her knees while she quietly sobs.

Everything’s so blurry and confused for her. She’s afraid of everything. She’s scared, and curling up like an injured animal.

She ignores her father kneeling in front of her. She ignores the worried questions coming out of her father’s mouth. _Why is she crying?_ She doesn’t even know the answer to that question. _I want to help you_ , but she doesn’t want it.

She didn’t speak. She doesn’t look at him. She hides in her mind, letting everything around her go numb. Numb like the way she feels whenever she gets scolded by her parents. Numb to the pain whenever she watches a realistic movies, but sobs in an animated movie. Apathetic when blaming her siblings to something they didn’t do. 

When she felt arms wrap around her, more tears came flowing down. She doesn’t remember the last she’s been hugged by someone. One month? A year? A year and a half? She doesn’t remember.

The warmth of hug flowed through Alena, making her silently sob even more. Is she touch-starved? She hugs her dogs all the time, so why does it feel so different when it came from a human being?

It feels... warmer and lighter. It’s a whole nother level from a hug by dogs. She loves the feeling of a hug. She longs for hugs ( _When was the last time she hugged someone???_ ) and this warmth that she’s getting from another human being.

She unconsciously leaned in closer, staying quiet while she wipes away the tears that are flowing down her face. She’s so _fragile_ that it actually _hurts_.

Her father tells her that he will _always_ love her, and that she could talk to him at any time whenever she wants to.

He tells her that he misses this. He misses the hugs since Alena keeps her distance from everyone, including her own family.

He cradles her, getting out tissues to give to Alena, in which she accepts, blowing her nose on it. She used another tissue to wipe the tears away, even though she knows its not going to stop.

Her eyes feel droopy. It's a thing that usually happens whenever she cries. She feels fatigue washing over her like the waterfalls, going down and down. She rubs her eyes, trying her best to stay awake. To not fall asleep. She knows it herself that she's tired. _Physically_ tired. Not just mentally and emotionally tired. She kept sleeping whenever the sun almost rises, knowing that she needs to wake up in an hour or two.

Her father asks of no questions regarding what just happened earlier, but he keeps her close. He holds he close as if she’s the only child he has. She has two other siblings, but they’re younger than her; one of them being a year younger and the other is six years younger than her. She’s the eldest sibling.

She’s _not_ supposed to be like this. She has to stay strong for her siblings. She doesn’t want anyone to worry for her, yet she’s here on the ground- her father holding her close while she quietly sobbed for the demon to go away.

For now, she slightly enjoy the quiet. It’s an enemy of hers, but she’ll accept it for now. Alena doesn’t know how long was she there with her father, but she doze off a bit. She only ever woke up again when she felt a slight nudge from her shoulder. Alena a jolted awake with the scared thought of _something_ being there. Her heart was beating fast and it’s pounding on her ears. She slightly calmed down once she found out that her dad woke her up.

 _I need to stop getting scared at something so small_ , she thought while placing her hand on her chest. Alena could feel the worried gaze from her father's eyes. She doesn't even need to look. She can _feel_ it. 

"Do you still want to refilm it again, Al?" her father asks with a hint of hesitation. The softness and slight whisper of his voice makes it sound like he's talking to a cornered animal that is injured. She does not like it. It feels wrong for her to be treated like that. 

"No," Alena croaked, forcing herself to respond with a smile that doesn't even reach her eyes. She just doesn't feel like smiling after what's happened. She wants to sleep or just close her eyes. She looked at her father and saw him nod.

He placed his hand on her shoulder with a soft smile on his face. “Just... you can tell me anything you’re having a problem with. You know that... right?”

Her smile that feels so forced stayed and she nodded. “Yeah. I know.” 

Alena stood up and left the room with an aching heart, knowing that she’s going to continue hiding.

**Author's Note:**

> This was certainty a mess when I tried writing it. 
> 
> If you ever do feel like this, please go ask for help. Hiding how you feel is extremely unhealthy for your mind, and would lead you to doing something that you would eventually regret.


End file.
